Karen

My friend Karen is the tall six foot blonde woman that most women would love to hate… if they didn’t know her. But to know Karen is to love her. She’s fun and full of energy and hilarious! You simply cannot help but love her.

I met Karen when I was in college. We were both spending a semester in Chicago. She was one of my four roommates in a two bedroom apartment near downtown. We had a blast. The first photo in this post was taken during one of Karen’s renditions of the many musicals she loved. While she has matured somewhat since then I hope she is passing on her love for musicals to her children.

We don’t live remotely close to one another any more but Karen is someone I want to stay in touch with. She is the mother to three young children. Her oldest is five, her youngest is three months. She is real and easily shared both her joys and her pitfalls in parenting. During our short conversation I got so busy chatting and catching up that sometimes I forgot that we were doing an interview…and Karen made me laugh harder than I’ve laughed in a while, mostly because I could so easily relate to her challenges.

In all of my conversations with mothers I’ve asked them what the biggest challenge of parenting has been. When I asked Karen this question she was honest and hilarious all at the same time.

“Potty training was the hardest time so far. I turned into a monster. If I never have to relive those days in my life I will be so glad. But it was all me! I had expectations, because my son had all girl friends. And they were all training at 2 or 2 1/2. Boys are different.

I was reading a list of the top 25 things you should not do when potty training your kid, and I think I did 24 of them. Just shy of beating my child- that was the one thing I did not do.”

I could easily relate. My children are all potty trained but I wish I had done it differently; been more patient, pushed them less. I would definitely have described myself as a monster during that period, and I hated it. I love that Karen was willing to share this with me. It was so good to laugh about it with her, to know that I was not alone.

We shared stores of how our second and third kids got a mom who was a lot more relaxed.

With my first I did everything by the book. I remember when he was three months old and he was doing something and my husband and I are screaming at each other “WELL WHAT DOES THE BOOK SAY?”

Her advice to new mom’s is “Take pieces from books and work with what works for you. With my second I took on the mentality of “what would I do if this was 1920?” if I didn’t have the internet and didn’t have all of my friends at my beck and call. I’m going to use my God given motherly instinct. If the baby is crying…FEED it. You don’t have to wait three hours because a book says wait three hours. The baby is freaking hungry-FEED THE BABY!”

Karen may be the mom of young children, but she also had some really sage advice, the kind of stuff you might hear from a seasoned veteran.

My single most important piece of advice is to get involved in a mom’s group-dealing with other women. Get yourself out of the house. Just hang out with other women.

When my oldest was between four months and nine months I got really sad. I didn’t have my identity as a working woman. I was now a stay at home mom. I didn’t have my family around. I was all alone and all of my friends were not mothers. They were all career women. For the first little bit I was in the honeymoon stage. I loved my life. At about four months in it was suddenly “what do we do now?” You can only read so many books to a four month old. I got so sad, I just wanted to move home. Right around nine months, I met a girl from church and she was starting a mom’s group. So I started with this mom’s group and my life really turned on it’s head- just having other mom’s to hang out with. Now I had a new identity.

When Karen and I talked we both shared how much we loved getting to know women whose children were older, or getting to know couples who’ve been married longer than we have. There is less competition within those ranks and more support. However after reflecting on my conversation with Karen I realized that having good relationships with women whose children are in the same stage is also incredibly important. It is with these women that we can share battle stories and compare wounds and joys. As Karen said “Motherhood should be telling war stories with each other so you can help each other get through it. How else would you?”

My Secret

I’ve been meaning to spill about this secret since my post about Joanna.  I talked about it in the beginning of that post…you know the one that ate me up from the inside?  But this was not an easy post to write.  I find the topic terrifying.  I also didn’t want to take this post lightly…and so it has taken me a very long time to write. But here goes--my secret:

The only thing worse than something bad happening to you as a child is not talking about what happened to you as a child.  That’s my belief anyway. 

From the age of about three until eight I was molested by my best friends father.  I didn’t tell my parents, or anyone else for that matter. I didn’t tell anyone.  I don’t know why I didn’t tell anyone.  I just didn’t.  

I was determined that I would die with my secret.  I lay in bed at night planning how I would keep the secret.  I thought that perhaps I might need to leave a note, to be read after I died, explaining why I would never talk about my childhood.  The final reveal would come after I had grown old and died.  I suppose I was a planner…even back then :)

By the time I was 13 I was ready for the world to stop so I could get off.  I wasn’t ready to do anything to make it stop, I just wished that it would. 

I was 15 when I realized that if I continued on my current path I would end up in trouble.  

When I was 16 I was ready to talk, I just didn’t know how to start.  I wished that someone would notice that something was wrong with me and ask.  No one ever did. 

My friend Joanna said that the only reason we stop living the lie is when living with the lie is worse than stopping it.  At 17 I wanted to stop living the lie.

So I started to talk and I’ve never looked back. 

There’s something about shining a light in a dark place that makes what is there a whole lot less scary or powerful.  Every time I told someone what happened to me I grew stronger.   That is what truth can do.  Sometimes the thought of being truthful is scary and terrifying, but when we shine a light into those dark corners…whatever is in there suddenly loses it’s power.  

I don’t define myself by what happened to me, because it no longer controls me.  It is a piece of my history, along with many other things.  My secret has shaped me.   It has shaped me as a person and as a parent.  But it doesn’t control me.  I don’t think about it at night.  I don’t even think about it every day.  I can go weeks, even months without ever considering what happened to me as a child.  That is only possible because I stopped fearing it and started talking about it.  I exposed the wound, and by doing so I allowed it to heal.  

I cannot take credit for getting to this place.  I have no explanation for why I was not truly suicidal, or why I didn’t develop an eating disorder or become an alcoholic, or so many other things that are often associated with victims of child abuse.  I do know that somewhere, during those dark nights, I felt that God loved me.  I knew that He had a plan.  That plan involved me staying here, and growing up.  And so I have.  And somewhere along the way He healed my broken heart.  He made me feel loved and beloved and He has given me so much more than I ever imagined possible. 

And that truth isn’t scary at all.   

Holly

Holly is one of my village people. Not THE Village People, just my village people. We have been a part of one another's lives for years. She has encouraged me when I was a new wife, a new mom and once again as the mother of elementary and preschoolers. She has loved on my kids and encouraged them too. That’s what I mean by village people. We are interwoven in one another’s lives. As I think it is meant to be.

Holly is funny and is forever making me laugh. She is genuine and fun and, while she would never believe it, a great mentor for me as a mom. I say that she would never believe it because Holly is beyond humble.

She has two children, one in college, the other in high school. She is married and considers her spouse a great parenting partner. “We are definitely a team, my husband and I. We balance each other out.”

Holly was such an encouragement when my kids were babies. She always knew the right thing to say. Now I know that it was because the hardest time for her as a parent was when her kids were infants.

It was a really big switch for me. Going from a corporate setting, working with mostly men, getting tons of accolades . To drop out of that and suddenly I’m making lunch for my husband and I was like “Did you LOVE your lunch?, wanting know every day “How was the sandwich?” That adjustment was really hard.

When you get your identity from what you do, instead of who you are. That makes it hard. I didn’t really learn or understand about being God’s beloved until later. That was part of why the infant stage was so hard.

Her advice to new mom’s is “Be near your parents…someone who could come over” I really wish you could hear her, because that statement was both funny and so true.

It was a concept I had difficulty with when my children were little…letting them go. I thought that somehow if I let someone else care for them SOMETHING would go wrong. I don’t know what, but something.

It has been good for me to build my group of villagers. People whom I trust, who both encourage me and who can take over for me once in a while. I’m so glad to know that Holly is a part of it. Partly because of her wisdom and partly because she makes me laugh.

It’s also very possible that the reason I identify so readily with Holly is that we’re both closet micromanagers. “My biggest challenge is to not micromanage my kids, to give them space to do what they can do by themselves.”

I struggle with this too, although Holly’s struggles are more about big life choices than mine. One of my biggest struggles is whether or not to put the tooth paste on my kids toothbrush. Giving them that responsibility means that I wipe toothpaste off the sink, counter, door and downstairs carpet (wait, how did that get there?) later on. It’s a daily struggle for me.

Which is why it’s so encouraging for me to know that despite her micromanaging challenges Holly has a great relationship with her kids.

They can tell me anything. I’m really approachable and compassionate. I always have advice but they can really tell me anything…As far as I know! At least I think they do.

It’s good to be a part of her village too. To watch her kids grow up, and to laugh about our challenges together.

Joanna

 

Have you ever had a secret that you didn’t want to tell?  One that you thought you would go to the grave with?  I did.  I swore to myself that it would never get out.  And that secret ate me up from in the inside.  Until one day I let it go…little by little.  It’s not a secret anymore and that has made a huge difference in my life.  I’m not going to tell you that secret today (how’s that for drama?), because today’s post isn’t about me. That post is for another day.  I will tell you that when today’s authentic mother offered up the advice to always seek truth, I knew she was for real. 

I have known Joanna for approximately 19 days.  You may scoff and wonder how it is that she inspires me after having known her for 19 days.  You don’t know Joanna yet. 

Just over two weeks ago I stumbled upon Joanna’s blog Single Mom Cooks.  For starters, single mothers always inspire me.   I could not do what they do.  They are super women, but without capes. 

Intrigued by her cooking blog I clicked through to her personal blog Broken and Free. I was blown away by her honesty and her faith.  She is honest and real and true to what is going on in her life right now.  She listed the novel Prayer for Owen Meany as one of her favorite books and has even done a post about lists….her fate was sealed!  Feeling incredibly brave, I sent her an email and she responded.

Joanna is a mother of four children, ages 11 through 20.  She is a single mom, having recently divorced after 20 years of marriage. She describes her marriage as troubled, and getting out of it was no picnic either.  “The financial and personal devastation was enormous but I would still do it again” she said.  Joanna has been through a lot in the last three years and she has so much wisdom from it.   Wisdom she was willing to share.

Our very first telephone conversation centered around authenticity and choosing the difficult path.  When I asked her what advice she would give to women in difficult life situations she provided sage counsel.

My advice is to seek truth.  To ask yourself the hard questions.  “Is my public life the same as my private life?”  I had a lot of anxiety because that wasn’t the case.  I was miserable.

As I said before I had lived out this truth.  I was right there with Joanna.  But what she offered along side it really made me think…made me realize that being real isn’t just about me.  It’s about those around me too.

Authenticity is a such big theme for me because that was the root of the issue in our home.  The front that was presented was not what really played out at home. There was an undercurrent of in-authenticity.  Something didn’t add up and the kids picked up on that.

You mean being real isn’t just about me, it’s also about my kids?!  Kids are so smart.  They see what’s happening.  They can sense a fake a mile away.  I can be going about my day, thinking I’m managing just fine, and my daughter will point out that I must be tired.  “What?” I say, “What makes you think that?”.  She simply observes that my demeanor isn’t the same, that I sigh a lot more.  My daughter is SEVEN.  And she knows.  I have to be real about who I am…if even just for her.

Joanna has found that the rewards of seeking truth, and living authentically far outweigh the risks. 

I have always been a people person, pretty extraverted.  In the last three years I have let my guard down, I have been more truthful than ever.  I have risked people not liking me, or not understanding me.  I have risked the blank stares when someone doesn’t get what I’m talking about.  But I have felt more connected to people and more valued by people than I ever have in my entire life. 

When we’re truthful, people are drawn to it. Not everybody is ready to hear it, but my relationships have been so much richer since I’ve chosen to be a more authentic person. You’re going to block yourself out from people, you’re going to miss out on relationships when you chose to believe the lie, because it’s a barrier. 

I want all of that.  The richer relationships, the connectedness, feeling valued.  How can I choose anything other than authenticity?

Thanks Joanna!