Authentic Motherhood

Have you ever discovered something about yourself that was a complete surprise? Like the Seinfeld episode where Elaine discovers that she can't dance. She really thought she was good when in fact her dancing is an embarrassment! Well it happened to me today and I'm struggling to accept it.

Through the wonder of modern technology, I discovered today that I CANNOT sing. I mean I always knew that I wasn't going to be a rock star but I really thought that I could carry a tune. I sing songs to my kids before bed and they never complain. I sing along with all the songs on my iPod, in my car and at home and each time I have assumed that the melody coming out of my mouth isn't offensive. I sing loudly and proudly at church, figuring that I'm at least on key. I mean really, I sound good in my own ears!

Turns out every one of those assumptions is dead wrong. I mean, really, I think my DH should have told me by now that when I sing it sounds like nails on a chalk board! I may hit one or two notes but then there is cracking and the sounds that are coming out of my mouth are not at all melodic.

It's sad too because I love music. I love to discover new songs, ones that I immediately download and add to my favorites. I love rediscovering old favorites and singing along. I am almost always listening to music. It soothes my soul. I'm the driver on the road next to you that's singing along to her radio and doesn't care that you are watching. So to discover that when I open my mouth not only am I not soothing someone else's soul but there's a chance that the sound is hurting their ears...well it's just a big disappointment to me. So now I have vowed to stop singing along. The sound that I heard today will ring in my ears each time I open my mouth.

So where is the Joy in this? Right at this moment...it's that I know I now have the story I've been looking for to tell at my upcoming women's retreat. I've been racking my brain for a story that I can tell to put the women at ease. To welcome them to a weekend where we will be revealing our true selves, taking off the masks and accepting who God made us to be. To know that God loves us just as we are. So I suppose that is my other piece of joy. Maybe from now on I'll just sing when it's just me and God...because He loves me just the way I am. Noise and all.