In an effort to be authentic and real, I’ve recognized that this blog can’t always be about the wonderful other women out there. The only way for me to be real and present is to share what is going on in my head…maybe just not as much as I was before.
A few weeks ago my DH had me read an article by Amy Chua. I’m sure you’ve all heard about it…Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. My reaction was visceral. I argued in my head with that woman for days. I’ve been coming up with retorts for weeks. But as I ponder my reaction two things come to light. The first is that Chua and I hold very differing views of parental success.
Truthfully I want my kids to grow up confident, and happy and I want them to know God the same way that I do, if not better. If that means that my son is not the top of his class in math, then so be it. If it means that my daughter doesn’t become the best doctor or lawyer or CEO some day, I’m okay with that. I have met too many over achievers who are miserable. I don’t want that for my kids.
In a world where someone will cut me off in traffic so they can get to work five seconds faster, do I really want to teach my kids that first is the only option? And what if their best doesn’t make them first? What if my daughter is in the same class as the next Mark Zuckerberg? Should I consider her any less of a success?
I would rather teach my children to pursue greatness, but to look around once in a while. To enjoy their friends and family. To do something that they LOVE rather than force feeding school success to them every day. I will teach my children to be independent, to be part of a society (starting with the family society) and to do their part. I will teach them that it isn’t all about them. That sometimes it’s about someone else and celebrating that person. That it’s okay to be happy when someone else has success.
I could go on, but honestly it’s not even about having different goals that’s the big issue. It’s the title of the article and the comparison it makes. That one type of parent is better than another.
As a teen I spent a lot of time listening to the Canadian group Moxy Fruvous. Most of their songs are silly; about Green Eggs and Ham or the King of Spain. However they do have a more serious song that has a line that I love.
What makes a person, so poisonous, righteous, that they think less of anyone that just disagrees?
Why must motherhood be about competition? Why do we tear one another down so easily? If I’m so caught up in being a better mother than the mom down the street what does that teach my children?
I don’t think I’m a bad parent, but I don’t think Amy Chua is either.
She is obviously close to her daughters. She snuggles in bed with her youngest and they can joke, after Chua pushed her daughter to perfect a piano piece. Chua invests in her daughters and holds them up to high standards. She is holding the bar high, and they are reaching it. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. In fact there is a lesson in that for me . So often I don’t want my children to ruin something or struggle with something, and so I don’t let them try. Chua’s parenting style requires that she have a lot of confidence in her daughters ability. I need to show that confidence in my children.
The last few weeks have left me feeling more positive about my fellow mothers, Amy Chua included. Interviewing other, more experienced mothers has helped me realize that I will never be the best mom, but that I can do my best with what I’ve been given. I’m looking for the good in others, instead of considering them potential competitors. I’ve connected with other mothers and we’ve shared a bond.
That is what authentic motherhood is about.
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