Why is Motherhood a Competition?

 

In an effort to be authentic and real, I’ve recognized that this blog can’t always be about the wonderful other women out there.  The only way for me to be real and present is to share what is going on in my head…maybe just not as much as I was before. 

A few weeks ago my DH had me read an article by Amy Chua.  I’m sure you’ve all heard about it…Why Chinese Mothers are Superior.  My reaction was visceral.  I argued in my head with that woman for days.  I’ve been coming up with retorts for weeks.  But as I ponder my reaction two things come to light.  The first is that Chua and I hold very differing views of parental success. 

Truthfully I want my kids to grow up confident, and happy and I want them to know God the same way that I do, if not better.  If that means that my son is not the top of his class in math, then so be it.  If it means that my daughter doesn’t become the best doctor or lawyer or CEO some day, I’m okay with that.  I have met too many over achievers who are miserable.  I don’t want that for my kids.

In a world where someone will cut me off in traffic so they can get to work five seconds faster, do I really want to teach my kids that first is the only option?  And what if their best doesn’t make them first?  What if my daughter is in the same class as the next Mark Zuckerberg?  Should I consider her any less of a success? 

I would rather teach my children to pursue greatness, but to look around once in a while.  To enjoy their friends and family.  To do something that they LOVE rather than force feeding school success to them every day.  I will teach my children to be independent, to be part of a society (starting with the family society) and to do their part.  I will teach them that it isn’t all about them.  That sometimes it’s about someone else and celebrating that person.  That it’s okay to be happy when someone else has success.    

I could go on, but honestly it’s not even about having different goals that’s the big issue.  It’s the title of the article and the comparison it makes.  That one type of parent is better than another.  

As a teen I spent a lot of time listening to the Canadian group Moxy Fruvous.  Most of their songs are silly; about Green Eggs and Ham or the King of Spain.  However they do have a more serious song that has a line that I love. 

What makes a person, so poisonous, righteous, that they think less of anyone that just disagrees?

Why must motherhood be about competition?  Why do we tear one another down so easily?  If I’m so caught up in being a better mother than the mom down the street what does that teach my children? 

I don’t think I’m a bad parent, but I don’t think Amy Chua is either. 

She is obviously close to her daughters.  She snuggles in bed with her youngest and they can joke, after Chua pushed her daughter to perfect a piano piece.  Chua invests in her daughters and holds them up to high standards.  She is holding the bar high, and they are reaching it.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  In fact there is a lesson in that for me . So often I don’t want my children to ruin something or struggle with something, and so I don’t let them try.  Chua’s parenting style requires that she have a lot of confidence in her daughters ability.  I need to show that confidence in my children.  

The last few weeks have left me feeling more positive about my fellow mothers, Amy Chua included.  Interviewing other, more experienced mothers has helped me realize that I will never be the best mom, but that I can do my best with what I’ve been given.  I’m looking for the good in others, instead of considering them potential competitors.  I’ve connected with other mothers and we’ve shared a bond. 

That is what authentic motherhood is about. 

Nikki

Did you know that the odds of being struck by lightning in our lifetime are 1 in 6250?  That means that my next Authentic Mother is at least one in six thousand two hundred and fifty…but I think that number should be higher.

But before I tell you her story I need have to tell you that this post has been a challenge to write.  It’s not because I don’t think Nikki is amazing and it’s not because there’s isn’t enough about her to write.  In fact the opposite is true.  It has been difficult because I want to tell you her story appropriately. 

So I’m going to start with the lesson first.  Nikki inspires me because she refuses to let life roll over her and make her a victim.  You need to know that before you read her story. Some of you might feel sorry for her after hearing what she has been through…but you shouldn’t.  My hope is that she inspires you the way she inspires me.

Nikki is strong, and funny and such a great listener, which is good because she’s a professional counselor.   She has an undergraduate from University of Colorado, and a masters from Denver Seminary. She has been married for nine, going on ten years and she’s also the mother of an adorable-almost five year old- boy. 

To say that Nikki has been through a lot in her lifetime would be an understatement.  Nikki has been struck by lightning, went through two years of constant pain, and a period of depression and anxiety.  Finally, and most recently, she and her husband went through the adoption process, were chosen by a birth mother and awaiting their little girls delivery, only to have her disappear into the foster care system, hands tied to do anything to stop it. 

If you met Nikki you would never guess any of those things.  Nikki is joyful and full of laughter and hope and- most importantly- she’s real about life.

I got struck by lightning and I’m different now.  I don’t know who I would have been, but I’m not her anymore because I have this trauma that happened.  It happened in a moment that changed my life.Honestly, if I could go back and change it, would I make sure it never happened?  Absolutely! Could I say I’m better?  I don’t know.  I think God redeems it and is redeeming it.  It makes me who I am and it makes me a good therapist and a good listener and I’m tuned into other people’s trauma and I can see pain quickly.  There’s a lot of good in that, but I wouldn’t say it’s made me a better person.

Do you see what I mean?  No pity party…but she doesn’t make it all out to be okay.  She is real and honest.  I admire that. 

She has allowed herself to be who God created her to be, even when it didn’t fit the mold of what she was expecting.  When we talked about what it was like for her after her son was born, she talked about a period of depression and anxiety.

I was feeling like a really bad mom because I didn’t like being home.  “I’m not good enough, I’m terrible at this! My God what has happened to ME?  Is this what motherhood is about?”  All the while the guilt part because I have this gorgeous little boy that I love so dearly!  I didn’t quite know how to accept that those things can happen together and that’s okay.  That you can love your child and not love staying home with them.   I felt God saying, Nikki you can still be who you are, as a mom.  Come with me, let me show you what you can do.

That’s it…the second lesson.  We don’t have to fit someone else’s mold of who they think we should be…we just have to be ourselves.  God created us all unique, and he wants us to be just who we are; real honest people.  We’re more inspiring that way.

Who are You Listening To?

If you make a comment on Facebook and nobody “likes” it, is the comment still valid?

Bear with me…today’s post isn’t about another authentic mother. It’s about this mother…and some thoughts I’ve had.

Yesterday was vacuuming day. I think when I vacuum, and so yesterday I did a lot of thinking. And I began to wonder why it was that I so quickly became bored to death of me. Yes, part of the reason is that I really don’t like writing self reflecting essays. It’s really not my style. To write those kind of posts one must be much wordier, and use better analogies. I am a straight forward kind of person, and therefore a straight forward kind of writer. But that is only part of the reason. The second piece is much more concerning to me.

You see…when I was writing those self reflecting essay little voices kept whispering

“Who do you think you are? Why would anyone care what you have to say? You aren’t a real writer”

I hate those voices. They are the same voices that make me question what I post on Facebook, why I post on Facebook and why other people are posting what they’re posting on Facebook. It doesn’t always happen…but they show up every now and then. Sometimes I’m better at ignoring them.

Truthfully they reveal a deeper issue which is simply; that I don’t think that what I have to offer is good enough. And so I look for affirmation for what I think, what I do, what I look like. The real trouble comes when I look for that affirmation on Facebook.

One of my favorite children’s books is “You Are Special” by Max Lucado. My children know it’s my favorite and so sometimes they will choose to read it just to humor me. It’s the story of a group of wooden people, called Wemmicks. The wooden people walk around all day, every day, giving one another stars or dots. They give a star if a Wemmick is pretty or talented. They give a dot if the Wemmick is ugly or foolish. In the course of the story the main character, Punchinello, learns that it is possible to prevent the stickers (both stars and dots) from sticking. He learns that they only stick if he lets them. And the best way to prevent the stickers from sticking is to visit Eli, the wood maker every day.

I imagine that Facebook is much the same. All day, every day, people post comments, in hopes of being rewarded with stars (likes or funny comments) or dots (nasty comments or worse yet <crickets>). Facebook isn’t my problem. It’s because I’m letting the stickers stick that Facebook is a problem.

A few years ago, shortly after I’d finished nursing my third child, I decided it was time to figure out what bra size I was. Now if you’ve had children you recognize what nursing three sweet babies will do to bra size.

What you need to know, is that at this point in my life I was very happy with where I was physically. I was preparing for my very first triathlon ever and so I was in pretty good shape. I knew that I was not overly endowed but I was happy with my overall physical appearance.

So…I go to “the source” to get my measurements. The source being the INTERNET for information. More specifically…Victoria’s Secret webpage. I follow the step by step instructions on how to measure oneself for cup size. Not being completely daft, I quickly ascertained that I need to re-measure myself as the numbers did not seem to be adding up. The numbers come out the same both times. Both times I calculated a negative number.

Now, if this is the first time heard about cup size, let me tell you…a negative number ISN’T a cup size. So not only was I not even an A, I might well be concave!

You can imagine what this did to my self esteem. The thing is, nothing had changed in the hour it took me to follow all of those instructions and calculate my negative cup size. I was still the same size, in the same physical shape…I looked EXACTLY the same. But I was allowing myself to get the grey dot.

Thankfully I have a sweet DH. He informed me that he still thought I was sexy (good man!) and judiciously suggested I be measured by a professional. Sweet, sweet man. Turns out I’m not concave after all.

Yesterday morning I sat with God. I cozied up and read from my devotional. And then I grabbed my journal, wrote down the date and began to scribble. I had a nice conversation with God…it was the beginning of my thought process of not being good enough. You see the scripture I read yesterday was Ephesians 3:7-12. I’ll highlight the portion that struck a cord…

⁷ I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God’s grace given me through the working of his power. ⁸ Although I am less than the least of all the Lord’s people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the boundless riches of Christ, ⁹ and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. ¹⁰ His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, ¹¹ according to his eternal purpose that he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. ¹² In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

When I sat down with that same devotional today I realized that yesterday I had read the wrong date. Accident…most assuredly. But I believe that the Holy Spirit was pointing me to a dark corner of my mind that I have yet to clean out. The corner that allows those thoughts to take hold…and paralyze me from being who He created me to be. I am allowing the stickers to stick.

My point…in all of this rambling, is that I need to stop listening to those ugly voices in my head, or miscalculated labels from the internet. I know, without question, that God has me exactly where he wants me in this life. The more time I spend listening to what He has to say, to how He sees me…well the less those stickers stick. Dots or stars.

Elaine

Are you a helicopter parent? I never figured myself for one…but it turns out I just may be.

My middle child has one of the most amazing preschool teachers ever. Elaine is the kind of teacher you want caring for your preschooler when you aren’t there. She loves on the kids in the classroom as if they were her own. She’s nurturing, loving and encouraging. Her classroom is a chaotic learning atmosphere: the kids are having so much fun in there they have no idea they’re learning. But they are!

She knows a thing or two about educating kids. She has an undergraduate degree in Early childhood development, a masters degree in Early Childhood Education and she is a certified Love and Logic Instructor.

I feel as though we’re kindred spirits, Elaine and I. She has caught me once or twice, handing my oldest child homework, forgotten at home. She smiles and nods. Understanding completely. So when our conversation about parenting hit the topic of consequences I was a little surprised to hear Elaine tell me that she wished she had let her kids experience consequences and responsibilities sooner. Wait, WHAT?!

I was the “go to” Mom and I loved it but it wasn’t good for them and it wasn’t good for me.

She’s speaking from experience. Elaine has four grown children of her own. Her oldest is 33, youngest is 23. One of them is an alcoholic. At the age of 15 he started drinking, and Elaine didn’t recognize that it was a problem. She and her husband continued parenting him until he was much older than 18. It has only been in the last few years that she has had to learn to let him go, make his own decisions and deal with the consequences.

If my name is not on the problem I don’t own it anymore. I think as moms the sooner we learn it the better. Let our kids go ahead and experience some consequences. Take more responsibility for mistakes. It’s not a punishment…but “oh oh, what are you going to do about that?”

So…I may be a helicopter parent. I never would have guessed it. But the fact is, I don’t like to see my kids in pain. Allowing them to feel natural consequences is unnatural to me. My husband tells me I coddle our kids, he might be right.

Part of good parenting is helping my kids figure out how to be independent. If I make sure they never suffer a consequence, if I run around all morning reminding them of all the things they need to remember, if I show up at school with a forgotten library book…well you get the picture. I’ve done them all and I’m not helping them by doing it.

So I’m sitting here, typing on my laptop with a dishwasher full of clean dishes. It’s just waiting for my daughter to get home so she and her brothers can empty it together....I'm thinking more responsibility is a good thing. I think tonight they’ll clean their rooms and the toy room and maybe the basement…hmmm…now that might be crossing the line :) Baby steps…

One last piece of advice from the worlds greatest preschool teacher…

It’s all about the girlfriends! Fostering those relationships with other women who are in the same position, that is huge!

So who’s up for some wine?

Adie

Should I be offended that my friend told me to get a life?  She meant it in the most sincere and caring way…so I think I’ll let it pass.  It was just part of a long list of great mothering advice from someone who has been a mother longer than I have.

Adie (pronounced 80) and I sometimes joke that we’re clones.  We both have auburn hair (although if we’re being really authentic here, mine can only be called auburn with a little help from L’Oreal).  We share similar tastes in music, an unusually high fondness for excel spreadsheets and a love of lists and planning.  Plus we both have a passion for discovering who God is and sharing that with others. 

For some reason, she and I are always planning or working on something together.  GEMS (like Girl Scouts, but way different), Bible studies, Food groups, Women’s retreats…there’s always something. 

She has three children and so do I.  Her oldest is about to become a doctor…hmmm… that may be where our similarities end.  My oldest does well in school, but first grade is a long cry from med school.  Plus Sydney runs in the opposite direction of anyone with blood.  I don’t think the medical profession is in her future.

ANYWAY…When evaluating who should start the list of Authentic Mothers, Adie seemed like the obvious choice.  I have long admired her honesty, her inner strength and her relationship with God.  She is authentic in the true sense.  She is real, approachable and incredibly humble.  Plus she agreed to be interviewed, which always helps!

Adie graduated from University of Maryland as a Parks and Rec. major.  She has been married for almost 29 years.  She married at 22 and had her first child at 24.  She has three fantastic kids, all of whom are totally unique.  She’s an amazing gardener, bread maker AND pie maker…and well, the list could go on.  But if all that I told you were good things about Adie, this wouldn’t be about Authentic Motherhood.  Since that’s what this is all about I have to tell you more. 

One of the best stories that Adie shared with me was the day she quit her job as a mother.  Her oldest son was about five and, at the time, she was also caring for her nephew during the day.  One day in particular she became fed up. So she told her five year old that she quit.  He apparently took her very seriously because he and his cousin packed up and began to head for his aunts house.  He knew that someone should be in charge. Mom quit and so he was off to find someone he trusted to be in charge.  

I love this story for a number of reasons. 

• I love that Adie shared it with me; it shows that she’s not trying to project perfection. Too many mothers would keep that gem of a story hidden under wraps in order to keep the “perfect mom” illusion alive. 
• I love the story because it shows that all moms get frustrated.  Even Moms that I admire.  So now when I become frustrated I know that I’m not alone. 
• And finally; the child who heard the words “I quit” from his mother?  He’s now the one moving on to become a medical doctor.  He’s married and still has a great relationship with his mom.  So even when I do make a mistake (which I often do)…chances are I’m not going to royally screw up my kids.  .

Actually, when Adie and I were talking about this blog, that was the one piece of advice that she had for mothers.  “Relax.  Kids are much more resilient than we think they are.  When we’re new at it and they’re young…we think we have to get everything just right and we never do.  They learn from all of that, it’s just part of their story.  You don’t even need to try to be supermom.” 

I could go on for pages about Adie’s insight into parenting and children, but this post would get a little long.  Instead I’ll go back to the original insight from Adie that I find incredibly important for mothers.  We all need to “get a life!”  She doesn’t say it in a mean or hurtful way.  It’s more an obvious observation that we can’t focus all of our time and energy on our kids. Adie says it best “If I don’t know and foster who I am, then I’m just going to invest in my children and that’s not healthy for anybody.  Find a way to have a life that your kids are a part of, but that your life is not your kids”

Bored to death of me

The other day I read a quote from Erma Bombeck that hit its mark (score one for my new years resolution!)

During the last year, I have dissected my marriage, examined my motives for buying, interpreted my fantasies, come to grips with midlife, found inner peace, outer flab, charted my astrological stars, become my best and only friend. I have brought order to my life, meditated, given up guilt, adjusted to the new morality and spent every living hour understanding me, interpreting me and loving me. And…you know what? I am bored to death of me.

I may not have spent a year doing this, but I am already bored to death of me. I hate writing self reflecting essays, which is unfortunate, because that is most of what a blog is.

There are some incredibly talented writers out there, for whom blogging is therapy. They can wax poetic about the events of their day and their words are powerful. I am not one of them.

I have found that the more I write about what I think, the more inward focused I become. It’s a downward spiral and it’s depressing. And so I’ve decided that I’m not going to do that anymore.

But I’m not going to quit blogging either. I am going to change things up a bit.

I have been privileged to know and spend time with a great many authentic moms. They have inspired me and encouraged me and I think there is room in this world for more of that.

These mothers, the ones that inspire,come from all different backgrounds and places. I would by no means say that they are from different generations, because that would be insulting. :) Instead I will say that they are at different life stages. I have come to know young moms, moms of tweens, and teens and mothers who are empty nesters. I also know moms who are in the same stage that I am, and they too inspire me.

And so I would like to share them with you. I would like to share their stories; what makes them inspiring, and what makes them authentic. They are not famous, or well known. They are moms, just like you and I. Imperfect but doing their best.

So if you know of a mom who inspires you, would you share her name with me? I’d love to get to know her and tell her story too. Email me and tell me what it is that inspires you. What would you love to know about her? Of course, I’ll also need her contact information.

The coolest part of this project is: even if not one soul reads what I’ve written, I will have spent time getting to know someone better. Someone who is inspirational. And that’s enough.

Beginnings

Are you making any New Years Resolutions?  I’m terrible at resolutions.  Each year I embrace the opportunity to start fresh and begin to plan ALL the many things I hope to change.  Inevitably I plan too many. So many in fact that it quickly becomes overwhelming.  I become discouraged and I quit. 

I’ve decided to scale back this year; to take baby steps to change.  I’m going to approach resolutions the same way I approach my exercise training regimen.

I actually enjoy working out, something I could not have said ten or fifteen years ago.  Somewhere in the last decade running became a part of my routine.  Each year I would run the local 10K a little faster, which encouraged me to train more.  A few years ago a friend of mine asked me to do a triathlon and I said yes.  So the two of us started small, and we now train for longer races, and have added strength training to our plan.   

However, if you had told me ten years ago that I would be getting up at 5am to workout I would have laughed in your face. Ten years ago I simply could not do it.  I didn’t have the self control, inspiration or dedication.  I have grown up a lot since then, and thanks in part to baby steps along the way.

So this year I’m downsizing.  I’ve chosen three areas of my life where I’d like to see change…my soul, my mind and my body.  While those are big parts of me, the changes I’m making are small. 

Soul: I will take time each month to spend one-on-one time with each of my kids. 

I’m constantly fretting over the lack of quality time that I get with them, and how quickly they’re growing up.  A friend of mine over at Homemade Parenting takes her boys out one-on-one all the time.  That inspires me.

Mind: I will read for 15 minutes each day. 

It’s disgusting how little quality reading I do.  I have no problem spending 45 minutes reading updates on Facebook, but I don’t have time at the end of the day to read a book?  Wrong, wrong, wrong!  Fifteen minutes is a short time, one I know I can accomplish.  So I start small and move up; it’s better than becoming discouraged because I can’t meet a larger goal.

Body: I will sit down and eat breakfast every morning, before the kids get up.

This was the hardest resolution for me to come up with.  I’m relatively fit.  I drink plenty of water and I exercise almost daily.  So…the final frontier is my diet. I have terrible eating habits, and am constantly missing breakfast in the morning.  Whether it’s because I’m not hungry immediately after a workout or because I feel like I don’t have time.   Both of which are excuses.  Not eating breakfast isn’t an option for my kids, so it shouldn’t be an option for me.

So that’s it.  Three small things…not overly extreme life changing things.  Just three small things that will make my overall life more enjoyable and healthy.

So what are your resolutions this year?